“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.
I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.
My depression doesn’t care that I am in a…
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They will beat you
Tuesday passes so slow.
You’ve survived the 13 years of hell before.
Nothing will be as bad as the taunts, the jeers.
The cool kids beating the shit out of you and your tears.
You’ve made it past the first round,
Just another year, before the bell next rings
Dodged every uppercut, jab and left hook
Shadow boxed your way through the books.
Eyes burning and sinking like anchors
You’ve burnt the ships but you forgot the sails.
Improvise with palm trees, they’ll suffice till next year
Or till a storm turns up, drops you straight in the eye.
Better luck next time?
Luck is for fools, for the uncertain and the unkind.
You’re not the one to take it too light,
Drop the hammer, pick it up this fight.
Keep your wits about you
Keep your guard up and tight too
Where there is darkness,
Seek out the light.
Head up, run. Run with all your might.
But remember, don’t take it all to heart,
A punch through the armour isn’t a bad way to start
There’s half a year there, for you to cry in despair
But it can also be filled with your glints of success.
So you’ll be fine
Just carry on, don’t whine
Because there’s a life, out there
Somewhere out yonder
Just walk on by,
You’ll get there in time.
They say, memories never fade
But names and faces do.
Along with every trouble too.
Start of the week
Start of a new me?
I could only wish so.
For tomorrow I must go back,
into my cave of disdain and despair
Reject the world at its face value
Vandalise all that was gleaming in the sun’s rays
With my fickle brush.
I ache for a smile, a hug
But I got none.
Out here, in the streets
Midnight floods over from the east
Brings about the lonely saviour.
The bitter cool wind,
summoning goose bumps upon my skin.
Forever and a day
I long for this sweet breath
To take all of this away
To finally sleep.
first autumn night of the year
Eight o’clock, in the car.
There’s a deep yellow glow over the driveway
Sitting cramped in the car.
Radio humming a slow tune over me
Melancholy, springs to mind.
The guitar loudly strums a beat
Jarring as it is
My head drops every agenda
Shoulders are light as feathers
I forget everything;
you, uni, friends, famly.
It’s just me and the radio.
Check the time,
the screen illuminates my view
Illuminates my tears
Metaphorically built up over 19 years
I think of you.