What It’s Like To Be In Love When You Have Depression

Thought Catalog

“No one will love you until you learn to love yourself” is an easy enough phrase to believe is true. But it’s terrifying, especially when you have depression. What if you never learn? As a teenager, it made me fear for my life as an adult. I was certain I would never be capable of being in a relationship, but I was very wrong. Honestly, I do not like myself very much, and in August of 2013, a boy fell very, very much in love with me.

I have dealt with depression for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on and off medications, been to therapy, but it’s still alive and well, comfortable in its home in my bones. I can feel it every day, a tiny inkling that causes breathtaking emotional pain at the most inconvenient of times.

My depression doesn’t care that I am in a…

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4 Weeks

They will beat you

You will stumble
Fall and crumble
But never give in
As hard as it may seem
Hold a candle to the dark
Burn a flame against it
That shrouds you in fear, in sorrow
Loneliness and shame
Never give in, never ever
To these bunch of pricks
You’re better than them?
Never think that you are
Always be the underdog
Fight for your joy, not anyone else’s
This is your battle,
You fight it!
Win or lose, it’s fickle in the end
There’s always another
Battle to be had
Not far ahead
Don’t misstep the tracks
Lose the whinge,
Quit feeling sorry for yourself.
— Projects

Still

blurrs

Every moment is a picture

A picture that can say a thousand words.

 

Or one.

 

Be it a smile, a tear, a sunset or a blur.

All is ingrained in history,

I’m sure we can all concur.

 

By a fire, a sea, a sandpit in the park

Never forget, never pretend,

All that you were and all that you are.

Chin Up

Image

 

Assignment come,

Assignment go.

Sleep deprived,

Tuesday passes so slow.

 

You’ve survived the 13 years of hell before.

Nothing will be as bad as the taunts, the jeers.

The cool kids beating the shit out of you and your tears.

 

You’ve made it past the first round,

Just another year, before the bell next rings

Dodged every uppercut, jab and left hook

Shadow boxed your way through the books.

 

Eyes burning and sinking like anchors

You’ve burnt the ships but you forgot the sails.

Improvise with palm trees, they’ll suffice till next year

Or till a storm turns up, drops you straight in the eye.

 

Better luck next time?

Luck is for fools, for the uncertain and the unkind.

right?

 

You’re not the one to take it too light,

Drop the hammer, pick it up this fight.

 

Keep your wits about you

Keep your guard up and tight too

Where there is darkness,

Seek out the light.

Head up, run. Run with all your might.

 

But remember, don’t take it all to heart,

A punch through the armour isn’t a bad way to start

There’s half a year there, for you to cry in despair

But it can also be filled with your glints of success. 

 

So you’ll be fine

Just carry on, don’t whine

Because there’s a life, out there

Somewhere out yonder

Just walk on by,

You’ll get there in time.

Midnight Thoughts

It’s true.

They say, memories never fade

But names and faces do.

 

Along with every trouble too.

 

Start of the week

Start of a new me?

I could only wish so.

 

For tomorrow I must go back,

into my cave of disdain and despair

Reject the world at its face value

Vandalise all that was gleaming in the sun’s rays

With my fickle brush.

 

I ache for a smile, a hug

a friend.

 

But I got none.

 

Out here, in the streets

Midnight floods over from the east

Brings about the lonely saviour.

The bitter cool wind,

summoning goose bumps upon my skin.

 

Forever and a day

I long for this sweet breath

To take all of this away

To finally sleep.

Mundane, Monday

Monday

first autumn night of the year

Eight o’clock, in the car.

 

There’s a deep yellow glow over the driveway

Sitting cramped in the car.

 

Alone.

 

Radio humming a slow tune over me

Melancholy, springs to mind.

 

The guitar loudly strums a beat

Jarring as it is

My head drops every agenda

Shoulders are light as feathers

 

I forget everything;

you, uni, friends, famly.

It’s just me and the radio.

 

Check the time,

the screen illuminates my view

Illuminates my tears

Metaphorically built up over 19 years

I think of you.

 

Again.